The Pensieve

I’ve been asked this question time and again, “What made you decide to do medicine?”

— “It was an accident.”

I had decided to do law initially but due to a fortunate or unfortunate (as some might say) parallax error, I coded ‘Law’, instead of ‘Medicine’. Despite the avalanche of medicine-related questions during the interview, I perservered, thinking it merely a perverse act on the part of some disgruntled lawyer who was hauled out of his/her billion dollar lawsuit to interview a lawyer-wannabe, and therefore decided to give me an especially difficult time.

A month later, to my absolute horror, a letter arrived, bound in blues and orange:

‘Dear Sir/Madam, we are pleased to inform you that you have been selected for admission to XYZ for a course of study in Medicine in the session ….’

This would be the second time I have gone to KL to take an exam, the first being the DELE when I was in year 2. But of course this time, I’d be going alone. Yesh, I am not going with ******* as some seniors cheekily asked after the department head unknowingly created a ‘connection’ btwn myself and some other person by accident. I stayed at Boulevard Hotel at Midvalley Megamall, and it was a rather good 3 days 2 nights except for the part of the exam and the flight delay. I had PEACE, really needed it. It felt real good to shop alone, eat alone, sleep alone and just have my own thoughts to myself. :D

Boulevard Hotel was really quite posh looking and the bed looked reaaaalllly inviting, to the extent that I decided to totally flop onto it and bounce a few extra times just for good measure. WAA, I almost broke my back ok and bruised my already adiposity-enhanced backside. Haha… SO HARD! So take heed, dear friends, do not presume all inviting-looking beds are going to be soft and bouncy, it might just be a nice quilt leading you on.

Breakfast was horrid in that hotel though. Goodness even Breadtalk had better food!

The exam hall was one of the worst I’d ever had the fortune (or misfortune) to experience. I felt a bit claustrophobic after a while. It was a huge hall but was fairly airless and getting increasingly warm by the minute. I guess I should stop complaining or I’m going to be like one of those typical Sg’rean in Malaysia - complain complain and complain!

It was pouring cats and dogs right after the exam, I think that’s how I felt… I’d rather not even think about the outcome of those papers! An absolute massacre!!! The rain took my mind off the exams quite a bit, especially when I realised how there were NO CABS in the area… Tried calling for a cab but wow, they wouldn’t take my order! boohoo! Thankfully a friend helped to extricate me from my sticky and very wet circumstances. Very grateful indeed! Phew.

The next day I shopped like mad. Never walked so fast haha… Actually didn’t buy anything much except a pair of pants and a bag from Radley! I really like that brand! AAHHHHH I’m so sad Singapore doesn’t have it’s own shop for it!

Do you know what’s the best part of travelling? Part of it is the experience of living in various hotels!!! Haha… The next part is the flight there, and one of my dear friend’s highlight of the trip is the airplane food. Seriously, I can’t see anything delightful about eating out of crates. -.- I can’t wait to go on my next trip! For PURE LEISURE this time round!!!

I haven’t been neglecting this blog like what some people say… It’s just that there’s an utter lack of things that I can say there :( Whether it’s about my experience in the CDC or how I am NOT getting a bonus this year, everything’s simply too sensitive to talk out in the open.

Unfortunately I have just recuperated from the trauma of an exam which I DID NOT really have to take (yesh, masochistic me) and an even more traumatic experience post exam when I found myself stranded in a strange land… followed by the ultimate traumatic experience of not being allowed to get my results because of blah blah blah… With the change in departments, an on-going project that keeps falling into rutts because of the lack of leadership and a rather frustrating two weeks. I haven’t had the chance to do anything much else! My brain is about as cluttered as my heart is empty. I have been feeling extremely murderous towards certain individuals of late. -_-

In fact I’ve been so distracted that I broke the tradition of not blogging about the movies I’ve seen, which has so far accumulated to include ‘Wolverine’ and ‘Angels & Demons’, pathetic ain’t it? At least I’m meeting the gals this weekend to catch up on our movies. :D :D :D Can’t wait!

It has just struck me, in the midst of an intensive preparation course for upcoming exams (which is going rather horribly), that I’ve just about completed my first year as an MO. There’re just so many ways to write about the conclusion (or not) of a rather eventful year. For fear of forgetting this special (or not) moment, I thought I’d commemorate with a long overdue blog entry. It’s been difficult to write anything here for the past months because I’ve realised how much I want to say, and yet how much more I am unable to express freely. What with medical confidentialty and a reluctance to allow any others to literally ‘read me like a book’.

Things get more complicated, the more senior you go, and mind you, I’m just about ONLY an MO. I’m already feeling like a walking contradiction, and I’m totally submerged in the grey areas of life.

Anyway, being a very ambitious person (so I’ve been told) and also a fairly obsessive one (as I’ve been told time and again), I thought to list out the important things that have occured in my first year of actual ‘work’ life.

1. My experience in the ED was one of my best (and most stressful) times ever, and thanks to that, I’ve finally made up my mind to spend the rest of my life in the bowels of the hospitals.
2. GM was an acquired taste, which I’m happy to unacquire soon, I hope, as soon as this MOPEX freeze is over. I can’t say that I haven’t ‘enjoyed’ myself, since I was offered plenty of opportunities to practice my ACLS and resuscitation techniques. I’m convinced that once a person declares himself or herself ‘ED’ patients just love to collapse in front of you, on your call, in your ward, or just randomly next to you at lunch.
3. I’ve made many good friends and acquaintances in this posting, and finally managed to walk of our my very shy self (as a medical student, I’d be terrified by almost ANY registrar - I’m sure no one believes this now as it might be the opposite).
4. There hasn’t been any obvious headway made in the realm of relationships of the romantic nature ie I AM TRULY SINGLE. There has been opportunities and potentials but I think guys are more fun as friends. Rumours are still flagrant that I’m attached to a certain someone and it seems like no matter what I do or say people just refuse to believe me. Maybe actions speak louder than words and some drastic act like a slap in the face or a knee in the groin would be sufficient to sever the grapevine (or not). Given the nature of our highly effective gossip circles, I think the people at the eastern side hospital will be buzzing about a lover’s tiff before the day is out.
5. The swine oh the swine… better now than never I say.
6. I’ve dealt with and hopefully survived the most difficult patient’s relative ever. Definitely stronger after that experience and hopefully will not be making an excursion to the courts, as my boss has cheekily suggested. Well and apart from that, I’ve learnt quite a bit from the lady herself!

A year ago, during the HO-MO transition period I remembered feeling more than a little bit panicky, more that a little insecure and definitely wondering how on earth a year’s medical experience could prepare me for a normal GM MO call. And now that I’ve completed a half year’s worth of it, it doesn’t seem that bad anymore. Somehow, somewhere, and through some obscure way, I’ve actually learnt quite a lot and progressed quite a bit despite everything. Hmmm… it all just happened so subconsciously, I didn’t even feel it (or maybe was too busy to).

At this point, I would be really surprised anyone would still be ploughing through my lengthy discourse. Unless of course they were merely scanning through it in the hope of catching phrases like ‘engagement’, ‘wedding’, ‘boy friend’? At which point you can go on to continue surfing at your pubmed, facebook, google whatever while I continue rambling in excess.

Ok, I’ve run out of steam but I will be back soon. The signs of pre-exam hysteria are about to come…

Yesh I’m far from adolescence yet my best friends and I still entertain the idea of a slumberparty. In the past such parties were conducted in one of our homes, complete with cheap junk food and order-in-pizza. We would be watching movies all night long, riffle through L’s Keroppis, maybe consider some card games or just talk about girly stuff. Contrary to the term ’slumber’ party, we would only catch 40 winks here or there.

After some years, our concept of ’slumber’ party has somewhat changed. We’ve ‘upgraded’ to booking a room at some 4 star hotel, complete with luxurious bathtubs and a somewhat not too fantastic view of the Singapore Flyer, and though we still bought cheap junk food it came from a more ‘high class’ place like ‘Carrefour’ (haha) and one absolute necessity was alcohol. :) And true to the term of slumber party, we really had to sleep. We’re no longer that young and our faces no longer that supple and resilient to wrinkles. Sigh.

We had movies galore! Yay! And would have been better if our dear friend has somewhat become less blur than 8 years ago… -> she forgot to bring the remote for the DVD player. We still talk about girly stuff but more about bitches at work and men with bruised egos. -_- Yes only J is an exception so far.

Horror movies are all the rage at such parties… and it’s usually the one who’s most afraid who’s most keen on this genre. I have a picture of her mushroom head with spectable rims peering over the pillow she’s hugging but I think she’d most likely cut off all my electronic connections and phone lines if I post it up here :) Hehe… Instead of shrieking together when the ghost shows herself (Why are all ghosts female with long hair?) We begin to analyse the plot and make rather accurate predictions, meanwhile toasting our literature teacher Ms S. for imparting her skills of interpreting literature to us (so that we could use it to predict film endings hahaha).

In the morning, it’s no longer ‘let’s eat more junk food for breakfast’ but a common call for some ‘extra strong coffee’.

Such is the way we’ve all grown up, yet retained our strong friendships… Looking forward to the next time!

Film reviews to come later!

PS: To gals who’ve graduated in the same batch as me. ie. the centennial Kim Geks, the 10yr anniversary reunion is on 5th Dec this year.

Rating: ****/5

This is one of the best films I’ve caught this year! And I’m not saying this only because it got 8 Oscars, I watched this before the Oscars came out. It’s both funny yet realistic, grimy yet beautifully shot, and it definitely helped when the actors were rather photogenic as well.

‘Slumdog’ is a local reference to people who grew up in the slums. Our ‘hero’ here, is a little boy, orphaned from young, who grew up with his brother in the slums. Here, this person whom you’d never expect to have undergone formal education, proper parenting or had good role models in life, is seated in the hot seat of the wildly popular ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire’. What is even more shocking is how he wins level after level after level, and ends up being arrested right before the final show for alleged cheating.

In the gruelling one night at the station where they use all methods to force/cajole/persuade a confession out of him, he recounts his life story and explains how he knew the answers for all the questions. It really is a bit of a coincidence. Yet he is so earnest in his anecdotes that the authorities can’t help but believe him.

Call me a cynic (you all know how realistically skeptical I can be right…) call me a non-romantic, but I was really ‘huh’ by the reason why he wanted to do the show… It was so that his beloved could know where he was and come to him… Okay maybe for him, his girl was the only reason he lived and breathed… Anyway thankfully the film had a happy ending, and of course they had to had one of those dancing sessions a la Bollywood!

Very entertaining film indeed! Worth every second of my time!

It came as a surprise when I received some flowers and a fruit basket thingy from the family of a patient under my team’s care who’d recently departed. I wouldn’t say we had achieved the perfect painless death, nor had the entire process gone as I would have wanted it to, thus my surprise… I guess it’s some sort of closure on the part of the family.

Anyway, my HO remarked that it’s times like this that should make me feel that I’m finally being appreciated for something. I used to think that these little thanks should make my day, but oddly, I think I don’t really feel that rewarded at all.

My happiest day was yesterday, when this patient who had a horrid long 1 month stay complicated by almost 12 issues on the problem list finally managed to get discharged! I didn’t need the family to say thanks or even his cute tiny wife to grab me, but I just felt so happy. :) :) :) Of course, it was great that I could then avoid those awkward breakfast moments where the ah-ma tried to promote her grandson (and vice versa). *god that was embarrassing*

On the other hand, I had a very eventful month working for a boss who was one of the most thorough, precise and clear-minded person I’ve ever met. I have to admit, it was a pain initially; but once I knew what he wanted and what he expected, working for him was the real reward! And can you believe it, those two days he wasn’t around actually made me miss rounds! (That’s a lot coming from someone who hates rounds!)

On a different tone, I have a sneaking suspicion that I can be made to like almost anything. It’s a bit scary right. How would I then ever know what I like. (An even more scary thing is, how would I know if I really liked a guy or that I was just reciprocating…ok but this is another thought for another time…) Seriously, I’m done with BGR for the moment. Better to concentrate my energies on studies and work.

I’ve always known my feelings were related to the songs I listen to. For eg. during a low point in life (a good example would be like a breakup) or during a special point of life (for eg. the time I spent in Hungary), my feelings would get woven into the music I happened to listen to then. In addition, I have the habit of listening to certain songs repeatedly, kind of put them on ‘cycling mode’. As a result, those certain songs were like a bank for my emotions during that period of time. Anyway, yes, as a result…. some of those albums do make me feel kind of weird when I play them. It takes quite a lot of ‘desensitisation’ for me to listen to them without feeling ‘emo’ again.

Anyway, I just realised that apparently my olfactory nerves are quite linked to my feelings as well. I should have known… I think I’m drawn to guys who wear Davidoff Coolwater. Haha… Back to the point. I have been waiting for L’Occitane to release their Jasmine Green Tea again cuz I like it best compared to the White Tea… and definitely don’t think the Green Tea’s suitable for me. So today when it came out, despite it not being available at duty-free (that’s a different issue), I bought it!!! And to my horror, when I tried it on again at home… OMG. HORRORS. I forgot I went through one of the worst downs during the period of time I was using it. -_- Goodness, now I have to design another desensitisation programme again!

Rating: ***/5

‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ is a curious movie indeed. Despite being built upon a fantastical plot of a man who is born old and gets younger as time passes, the movie is actually quite realistic. Benjamin Button (Brad Pitt) is born a baby who looks like an old man, with all the conditions that plague the elderly, such as arthritis, dementia… Interestingly as he grows up, he starts getting younger (both in appearance and physique). This movie’s about him and the love of his life - Daisy, played by Cate Blanchett. Eventually, despite all odds, he does have a child with her, and sadly, he left mother and child knowing that eventually he would become a child himself as he grew older… They did meet again as he grew older in a child’s body… He regresses into a baby and is taken care by her… The saddest point of the movie was when Daisy held him in her arms (as a babe) and she said something like ‘and I knew at that point that he knew who I was’… That was right before he closed his eyes and then was no more… Can you imagine being a world weary, old man stuck in the body of a powerless, speechless baby?!

The entire film revolves around the theme of how ‘nothing lasts forever’, something quite bittersweet and romantic (if you’re into that sort of romance)… I think that instead of concentrating on how good things do not last forever, it serves to remind us to treasure what we have. It encourages us to make full use of the time we have on our hands, and to savour whatever life offers us at this moment in time.

Playing with my new ipod touch, my very own bday present to myself is a perfect alternative to counting sheep when i can’t sleep.

Have had problems zzzzzzing these days, think it’s simply cuz i hate to think of all that glorious time wasted! Btw sanz, i have trouble with ‘n’ while yrs is ‘z’.

The most interesting sight at vivo today wasn’t the very traditional chinese dance on stage but the sight of old uncles taking front row seats armed with their century old cameras and some video cams practically drooling on themselves. Should have taken a photo and put it up here!

Ok blogging with the touchscreen is really taxing!